Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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this is me
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
#Caturday
*launders Kohls cash*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Fidel Castro was alive?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.