Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.