All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You Might Also Like
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what