let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
why no one uses midhusbands
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.