me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Anyone really
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I have many caverns
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?