“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m aging like a fine banana
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.