Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.