I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.