Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
thinking about a very short hotdog
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!