I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Brands during Pride
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”