I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
6. me as a lawyer
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
You got this…
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Made something I’m not proud of
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN