The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.