I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.