One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
You Might Also Like
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning