“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Challenge accepted.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.