You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Lmao
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent