“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
same vibe as tangled headphones
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Fight
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.