I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?