I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild