Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands