If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.