When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.