If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.