My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Happy thanksgiving
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Not helping
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.