Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
waiting for halloween be like:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.