Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Stop.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
SCARY COSTUME
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.