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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me, scrolling to find my birth year