I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol