There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’m Sold!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.