SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
When libraries troll their patrons.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange