Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
you know what ruined my childhood? children
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter