I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
No regrets in 2018
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building