God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat