You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I remember when things only cost an arm.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater