are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.