sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
not to brag, but mine was free
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.