If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.