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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.