I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I need a headline like this
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.