Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
men, we mow at sunrise.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.