[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore