JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.