[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)