I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second