Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle