[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.