[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye