MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
You Might Also Like
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Software Development ⛵️
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.