Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
good let them take over I have had enough
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.