I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Girl, same.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.